Dear Bossip,
About 8 months ago I put my husband out because I found out he had an ongoing affair for the past 6 years.
I caught him twice before with the same “Other Woman,” and he swore he would break it off both times. He never did.
Fast forward to now and he is refusing to work on the marriage or even consider working on the marriage. He seems content to live with his sister and her family while I am now single mother to 2 teenagers and a pre-teen.
I wanted him to work on the marriage and was willing to forgive, but he says he doesn’t know if I can be “the wife he needs,” or him the husband I need. He says he loves me, but he doesn’t want to just be married for the sake of marriage or the kids, and that he wants to have fun and have a fun companion. We are both 47 years old, and he says he doesn’t want to grow old and find himself stuck in a boring marriage.
My heart is broken each time I ask him to at least try to work on the marriage and he refuses. Now, I am realizing I may have to give up and move on. The problem is that he is at my house at least 4 times a week to visit our kids and I feel vulnerable and hopeful when he is around. Do I still wait on him? How do I let go and move on? When does this ache and sadness lessen? When will I be able to sleep at night and not feel like crying! When will the thought of being with someone else stop frightening me?
I didn’t have the affair but I feel as though I am being punished because of it. – Lonely and Confused
Dear Ms. Lonely and Confused,
Ma’am, uhm, ma’am, if someone doesn’t want to be with you, then let them go. If someone has walked out of your life, and refuses to work on the relationship, then please pack their shoes so they can keep walking. When someone leaves you, then know it was for the good. Girl, please stop begging someone to be with you who doesn’t. Stop pleading and asking someone to go to counseling and they’ve told you, “I don’t think you can be the woman I need.” Politely pack all his -ish, and put him and all of his stuff out on the curb with the rest of the trash, or drop it off at his mistress’s home.
Honey, if I had the magical answer to all your questions, then I would be a best-selling author, making millions of dollars, and living on a Caribbean island on the beach.
I don’t know when the ache and sadness will lessen, but you have to start the process of healing. You have to be willing to let him, the affair, and what happened go. Holding on to it, and constantly reliving the moment, and the relationship he was having for the past 6 years will only keep you in bondage. It will hold you in that space and place of despair, unhappiness, and agony. Let it go. And, in order to do that you have to learn how to forgive.
Forgive him, the other woman, and yourself. I know it sounds easier to do, but you’ve got to forgive so that you can move on. Forgive yourself because you probably think you failed. You probably feel as if there is something you could have done differently. Please know that you’ve done all that you can do. You were a great woman, who did great things, and gave him a wonderful family. You did nothing wrong. Your husband stepping out on the marriage, and cheating, and having another relationship has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him. There is something he has to work on and work out. And, he has to be willing to get into therapy or counseling and figure it out. You can’t do it, and you can’t heal him or get to the root of his issues. So, forgive yourself.
When will you be able to sleep at night and not feel like crying? Honey, I can’t tell you. Time has no clock for healing. But, I will say that you can find some solace in surrounding yourself with wonderful support systems, and people who can uplift you and encourage you. Your spirit and heart is broken. Being with strong spiritual reinforcements will help you pull the pieces together, and heal. So, if you have a church home, or a spiritual foundation with a strong spiritual leader, I would suggest you reach out to them. It’s time to reconnect with your foundation, and the source that can help you reclaim your life, power, and purpose.
I, also, recommend that you begin speaking with a divorce lawyer. Honey, I hate to tell you this, but your marriage is over. There is no saving it, or working it out with your husband. He is not interested in being married any longer. He left you 7 years ago. I know he had a relationship with another woman for the past 6 years, but a year prior to that he had already left the marriage. The year prior he was planning, thinking, and considering leaving you and he got the opportunity when he met the other woman. So, his heart and mind had left you a long time before.
Besides, your husband told you that he doesn’t feel that you can be “the wife he needs,” nor the husband you need. And, he said that although he loves you, he doesn’t want to just be married for the sake of marriage or the kids, and he wants to have fun and have a fun companion. Uhm, ma’am, your husband is gone! These poignant statements are nails in the coffin of sealing his departure from you and the family. So, no amount of begging, pleading, or recommending counseling is going to make him change his mind. Let him go, move on, and start living your life.
I understand why you may want to make it work, and not give up, due to you being married and raising a family, and not expecting your husband to go out and have an affair. However, you’ve got to wake up to the reality and be real with yourself and the situation that he is not interested in returning to a marriage with you. And, on those days when he comes by the home, you have to set the boundaries of the relationship, and not succumb to your urges, or his requests for sex, or whatever he asks of you. He is playing on your emotions and weakness, and you’re falling for it. So, put on your big girl panties, slap yourself upside the head and remind yourself that he had an affair for 6 years with another woman, and you caught him twice. Thus, he had no intentions on stopping or ending the relationship when he lied to you and said he would. If I were you I would scorch his nuts with some hot bleach.
It’s time to wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Get to planning your exit, the alimony, and child support payments. He’s staying with his sister, and doesn’t plan on coming back, so make provisions on taking the home. Take him for everything, so that every day he wakes up, and realizes what he has done, and doing, he will be reminded of it as he sleeps on his sister’s sofa. He wants to have fun, then, let the other woman take care of him. Stop allowing him to use you emotionally, physically, and mentally. He is taking advantage of you and the other woman. He has two women vying for his attention. Stop giving him yours. Be strong, and resilient in your quest to be free of the pain, agony, heartache, and heartbreak. You don’t want to cry anymore at night, then stop letting him consume your thoughts and mind. Start living, and stop laying down waiting to die, and for him to return. HE IS NOT! So, get some good girlfriends, and start celebrating your life. Celebrate everything you have and will become. Celebrate the fact that you have three wonderful children, and raising them to be wonderful adults. Celebrate your life, and how you’ve come this far, and nothing can stop you from being your greatness as a beautiful, intelligent and renewed woman. Yeah, it may be too early to consider dating, but don’t stop dressing up and looking your finest. There is a man, or men, who will have no problem stepping in and being a man to you and your children, but you’ve got to release your man in order for a new one to come in. Now, be fierce Diva and reclaim your power! – Terrance Dean
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